What the "grown-ups" should have told us!

Marriage has been a universally acknowledged phenomenon that unites two people in love; and I must add that if all factors are kept constant, marriage is a beautiful thing.  Unfortunately, the definition of marriage has been tampered with over the years by archaic and misogynistic perceptions that have been passed down generations. One must recognize the fact that the meaning of marriage varies according to sex; in other words, girls and boys right from childhood are taught to see marriage differently.

Since time immemorial, society has had it inculcated into the minds of all females that they can take all the paths that they want to as long as they keep in mind that they are bound to get married. We live in a patriarchy where people are taught that women can be all they want as long as it doesn’t draw too much attention towards them because God forbid a woman is more successful than a man. People want women to live within a box they have created for them. Any woman that chooses to even breathe outside of this box is ridiculed, after all “What’s a woman good for if she can’t get married or have kids?!”

Another false principle that has been subtly taught to all women/girls in society is that you must act a certain way if you are to get married. You can’t be “too bold”, “too loud” or dress in a certain way. Society pressure women into shrinking themselves in order to meet the standards of “the perfect wife.”

What is interesting is that majority of these theories are passed down to us subconsciously. I want you; whether male or female, to review the portrayal of every Disney princess you watched and possibly admired as a child. Remember Ariel, the mermaid with red hair who was willing to give up her voice for a man? Moral of the story: In order to find love a woman must subdue her voice, opinions and intelligence. Remember Ariel, the mermaid with red hair who was willing to give up her identity for a man with legs? Moral of the story: A woman must be committed enough to give up her own identity for a man.

All this happens in contrast to the men that are pushed to embrace their masculinity, dreams, aspirations and goals. If you haven’t yet grasped my point, then turn your attention to how the princes in these fairytales are portrayed. In the Little Mermaid, what exactly did Prince Eric have to give up for Ariel? Or, look at how Prince Charming is displayed as Cinderella’s only way out of misery. If you still choose to object, then tell me why submission, sacrifice and dependence is not taught to boys/men as incessantly as it has been for girls/women. I have nothing against Disney and its superficial depiction of love or marriage, however these fairytales among many other tales, lectures, sermons, novels and opinions alike have been shared with us at our most formative stages of growth.

Away from children’s fairytales, women in Uganda are all too familiar with the term ‘guuma’, which directly translates to ‘be strong’. This term is used by elders, marriage counsellors, and female support groups as a word of encouragement to women in marriage. Did your husband beat you black and blue? My daughter, ‘guuma’. Is he cheating on you? It will pass you just ‘be strong.’ Does he insult your cooking, dressing or appearance? Gone are the days of the honeymoon-phase, ‘gwe guuma’! On top of limiting their goals, women have been fooled to think that their suffering in marriage is “romantic”.

I don’t know who or what started this trend but say that it surely tarnishing love and marriage in the world today. To the girls and boys; seek independence, self-sustainability and most importantly to establish yourselves as strong individuals in society before marriage. Take as much time as you need to do this so that when or if your significant other arrives it’ll be the right time. The right time is when you are ready. And when marriage comes sacrifice, submission, strength, patience and tolerance are principles to display for both husband and wife.

Nishala K. & Kabera A.